I always thought the age 22 is very mature, like you've experienced so much in life, you'll be wiser with your adulting stuff, but.. oyea there's but. but, it's more than i could ever imagined.
and hey who reads blog nowadays? idk why sometimes i'd like to revisit my blog every now and then, tryna update "the life" that i used to write in here. well i guess being old really did changed me.
sometimes i like to recall "the life" that i used to have. in my mind, i have 4 parts in my life so far.
the first part is between age 0-5, i dont remember it exactly but i think my family move a lot, you know, parents still pursuing their career as a civil servants so they have to move to different regions if they wanted to get a higher position in their work. I was born in Bali, a few years later i move to Pontianak to have my little brother born, and then when i was about 5 years old, we moved to Jakarta.
the second part is between age 7-10-ish, i move to a land called bsd city which is sooooo far from my school, i remember feeling so hectic cause i had to leave for school the same time my parents go to work which was 5.30 am, then they dropped me at my grandma's house and then i went to school with my ojek langganan. and after school (2-3pm-ish), i'd crash on my grandma's house again and wait for my parents to pick me up after work which was 7-8pm-ish. so yea, i kinda feeling upset every now and then cause i just wanted to go home, i hate my grandma's house (even tho i used to spend a lot of time there), well basically i just hated everywhere except my comfy lovely small house, cause school was soooo tiring dont you think? i just wanted to get comfy in my room after a long day at school, but i rarely get that.
and hey i'm starting to realizing things here, do you remember the time when you "woke up"? when you realize that you are a person not just a human? when you starting to remember everything? realizing that your parents made the "best decisions" for you, realizing how you love your moms cook, realizing how tired your dad was after work, realizing your siblings are not just people who lives around you but also a person? i woke up at age 8, when i wrote my very first diary. BUT, to be honest, this part was my favorite, cause i love my comfy lovely small house, i also have a lot of friends from the neighborhood. we have a lot of family traditions, sometimes going on a simple trip to puncak/bandung, we (family of 5) were always going for a karaoke night every weekend! i remember the feeling where the weekends were my favorite! i never thought that i'm gonna miss this family of 5 moments, yea when you miss it, it means it was never happening again.
the third part is between age 11-17, HIGHSCHOOL TIME!!! this was the darkest and also the brightest era hahaha! k, i move back to bintaro, it was a bigger house but well i still love it cause it has a gazebo and a tiny garden at the back, i have my own rooom (of course, this baby girl is turning to a teenager how can u not give her a privacy to evolve haha!) and the kitchen was outside so i kinda like that idea. junior highschool.... yes i did have some fun and i have a lot of friends, but there were just so many mixed up feelings, teenage drama, and i remember 13 was...dark hahahaha i mean literally dark (i was so ugly but i dont even realize that i'm ugly lololol cause i have so many pretty friends i just let myself think that i'm pretty cause they let ME to be their friend hahaha). you know a basic teenage crush-stories? where there's a boy, who likes one of your friend, but he gets close to you so he can gets close to her, and you're stupid enough to catch feelings to this boy, and somehow this boy manipulate you telling you he likes you too but ONLY as bestfriends, but it turns out he's been telling a lot of girls the same thing and ugh, ew? yea been there. i feel soooo stupid and angry and terrible and so disgust to admit those things, but, well, it was one of the events in my life that makes me; me, i cant just erase it from my memories (even tho i wanted to). oh, i like some of the teacher from my junior high, but, some of them are... nah.
NEXT, the brightest era of my teenagehood; SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!! just think about it makes me so happy. like they say, "masa SMA adalah masa-masa yang paling indah". to be honest, at first, i was so scared cause i know the kids at my SHS are beyond my league, the school was so much bigger than my JHS. but it turns out as i make friends, wow, i love them. i never regret that i went there. the teachers are great, the facilities are worth every penny i guess? the kids are so nice, i can blend in (surprise, surprise, haha), and all of the darkness of my JHS ages are gone. i remember 16 was my favorite birthday, cause my friends, even my guy friends gave me a present and a very thoughtful present, i really appreciate it and will never forget it. the thing about presents is, you get a physical thing about you from the other's perspective, at that time, and that thing never changes, the intention for the present never changes, even when the person who gave it, does. oh, did i mention that i had a crush on this guy, but i knew it from the beginning that "me and him" are never gonna work, cause he's such a quite guy (and i realize how ugly i am) but it turns out he's still my boyfriend till now (i never thought i can say that lol, remember that ugly litterally dark duckling at junior high? lol). of course i have my downs, but the happy moments could always cover it.
the fourth part 18-present-freaking-22! i'm a college girl, a busy girl, a thoughtful girl, an explorer of new things. i went to college sooo far away from home, in Malang, a whole new town, thank god its small so i wasn't too overwhelmed (but only cause of the people). i was having a liiiitle culture shock, i find that the food is so freaking cheap (but most of the restaurant there, you have to pay first and they wont give you a menu on your seat, you should read it on the board and make the order first before you seated), i thought that there was going to be a lot more "non-javanese" student, but nope, it turns out we are still the minority here hahah. it's been hard on the language, cause a lot of them are just wont speak bahasa indonesia, they using javanese and I'm having a hard time understand it. and i was a bit shock that a lot of them are having their opinions about "orang jakarta", and a lot of them is not a good thing. like sometimes people would impersonate how Jakartans speak, like we have that "annoying" "accent" way of talking, man, i never even thought about that, not since they started it. and if i can be honest, it was kinda insulting cause they sounded like they're mocking, that was when there was me with them, what'll happen behind my back? you know i tried sooo hard to blend in. until i just thought, screw it. just fake it, till you make it. let them mock you all they like, the important thing is that i didnt do that, cause i have a dignity and an open minded mind, those little things wont kill me or affect me, and i'm better than that. who am i kidding? didn't you think i never wanted to mock them back? well, dont forget that we "jakartans" do have our opinions too about the "javanese-people-whos-being-so-mean". but we shall never do anything to insult them.
ok, out of all that, the first year was pretty rough on my relationship, you know, the LDR stuff, never done that so still figuring things out. the second year, i got too busy with classes, lab practices & reports, organizations, events, so i collapsed. my liver being so angry it blows out (literally, its called hepatomegaly), so when they tried to cure it, my kidney failed (relax, its only acute renal failure), the point is i almost died (ok thats too dramatic but its true! my last doctor was so shock that i was ok cause my lab results are f-ed up), well, my body's just tooo tired for the world. but gladly, i bounced back after 40 days hospital care, and my body starting to heal one at a time. the third year, whoa this was a whole new level in my major, i learned a lot from field practices. the final year, of course, the thoughest. not only because i had to lose my mom in the middle of it, there are just sooo many obstacles to get through. if you think that my life gets easier because i had everyone sympathy cause my mom died, no you're wrong, life was never going easy for me. I had to fight it, i had to fight them all, without losing my respects to all my faculty members. cause at the end of the day, on my graduation day, all paid off. and at least, its done. and thats all because i fought so hard, i got up even when they bring me down, i woke up every morning chasing ones who just doesnt care about my existence, and i know deep down, i wanted to prove everyone (myself, most) that i can do it. that everything that i've accomplished is earned by fighting and not because of a sympathy. and you'll never get what you want, you'll get what you work for.
and so, it shaped me to a whole brand new person, the adult me, which may i remind you now i am 22. totally legal, doing anything like drinking, clubbing, watching 21+ movies, have a credit card, buy a house, having a baby (ok slow down here lol). and i think i'm mature enough to make my own decisions about my life, i finally have a voice now, i obviously should know that i have to be more responsible about all my actions cause it'll define what i wanna be in the future. and looking back here, reading my old blogs when i was a teenager will always be a reminder that i was that innocent. i know things now, bad things, good things, what the people needs, what a person desire, i just keep learning on how to be a better person every day.
here's a note for my future self, hang in there, ok? spill some things here whenever you want. you never know that what you wrote here, the lesson you wrote, might help you when you're older. this blog will always be your online diaries, doesnt matter if no one reads this.
p.s. maaf bad grammar and writing, please bear with me. aku belajar, kita semua belajar. k, bye.
