mommy, i remember perfectly when the news are real. i can't barely breathe. i was crying while i'm driving, hoping it wasn't you, hoping it that didn't happen. and when nobodys answering me, even dad, i was worried. i dont think i can ever be prepared for whats going to happen, for what i'm about to hear. i regret everything instantly. i regret why didn't i text you anything the night before, or in the morning while you were probably still holding your phone. i was up all night i can't even sleep the that night, now i know why. i regret why you were the one who should be on that plane. i regret how i was always a burden for you mom, i am so sorry. i regret how i didn't say i love you as much as you deserved. i keep picturing the night before the plane took off. i didn't even know that you were on that plane. and i keep thinking about the seconds before the plane about to crash..mommy what were you thinking? i am so mad to think what He put you through.
whats breaking me the most is the next dawn when dad knocks on my door, and suddenly sat on the floor, crying his heart out..and i hate myself because i didnt know what to do. or when the big family's planning on what to do next and my big brother just suddenly lose himself and cried. and i just leave him be. or when it was our last chance to say goodbye to only a half part of her in a coffin before its burried, and me and my little brother just stop pretending to be the strongest and we cried the loudest.
our world just crumbling down. my mommy's like a pillar of our homes. there are five of us, five different homes, and she's the pillar of all. she's the one who keeps everything on track, makes sure everyone enjoy our home, the one who always give and never ask anything in return. i never imagined i could live a life without her. i never imagined we lost our pillar this soon. suddenly, we have to take care of everything, on our own. no one would stood up and said "i'll take care of it" and we can just sit back and trust her to do her magic. it's hard for all of us.
at some point, i believe that she'd be happy if i can cherish her best quality of a person more, than just grieving and regreting everything. the way she looked on everyone's eyes, how she can be so loved, so respected by so many people, all of her work, her love to people, the way she think she can handle everything, the way she treated her children like a royal every chance she get, how she so passionately doing her job, so alive her smile was, even on her funeral picture.
i miss you so so much mommy. i'm so sorry for the things i haven't done to make you happy and blessed to have a daughter like me. i'm sorry i missed all the chance to say how much i love you more than i love myself. i'm sorry that its so hard for me to let you go, to move on. i think of you everyday, everytime i make a tough decision, or when i cried because of my own stupidity, especially when i'm happy, i wish you were here.
whats breaking me the most is the next dawn when dad knocks on my door, and suddenly sat on the floor, crying his heart out..and i hate myself because i didnt know what to do. or when the big family's planning on what to do next and my big brother just suddenly lose himself and cried. and i just leave him be. or when it was our last chance to say goodbye to only a half part of her in a coffin before its burried, and me and my little brother just stop pretending to be the strongest and we cried the loudest.
our world just crumbling down. my mommy's like a pillar of our homes. there are five of us, five different homes, and she's the pillar of all. she's the one who keeps everything on track, makes sure everyone enjoy our home, the one who always give and never ask anything in return. i never imagined i could live a life without her. i never imagined we lost our pillar this soon. suddenly, we have to take care of everything, on our own. no one would stood up and said "i'll take care of it" and we can just sit back and trust her to do her magic. it's hard for all of us.
at some point, i believe that she'd be happy if i can cherish her best quality of a person more, than just grieving and regreting everything. the way she looked on everyone's eyes, how she can be so loved, so respected by so many people, all of her work, her love to people, the way she think she can handle everything, the way she treated her children like a royal every chance she get, how she so passionately doing her job, so alive her smile was, even on her funeral picture.
i miss you so so much mommy. i'm so sorry for the things i haven't done to make you happy and blessed to have a daughter like me. i'm sorry i missed all the chance to say how much i love you more than i love myself. i'm sorry that its so hard for me to let you go, to move on. i think of you everyday, everytime i make a tough decision, or when i cried because of my own stupidity, especially when i'm happy, i wish you were here.
